Ive meet my friend last saturday. I thought I only have her when she say all her good friends are now married n how her feeling now. I have told her before about my concern. I told her before about the stupid things happen to me n it drive me to this condition. N lastly, I told her that I really want to die, and SHIT.
She treat me like someone who doesnt have Iman. She told me to keep praying and ask for forgiveness. She keep judging me, keep comparing my life with her, with others, she keep told me to be grateful.
I know, Im not as good as her. I know, Im not as strong as her, Im not as lucky as her. She make me feel like, Allah give me this test because Im not a good muslim. She make me feel like Im a great sinner.
I know…. I know… I know… n I know, knowing are not solving anything. I doing as good as I can. I keep asking God to give me a good ending. I dont want to end up in the hell. I cant control my mind, my emotion, my thought. This is not my first time having that thought. I have this since I was in the middle school. She keep asking me why Im having that thought. I cant give her answer. Its too many things keeps playing around my minds. Too many things that make my head and my heart ache. I cant give her the reason why Im still in this desperate mood. Why Im so hopeless, why Im helpless, Why Im still deep down in the dark pit. Because I dont have those reasons. This feeling built up since a long time ago. It become big mountain that I need to climb over. n I dont have those strength to climb it. It keep built up. until now.
I really regrets it, she didnt say the things that I really want to hear. The thing that make me feel less sinner. Everything that she told me are now playing in my head. I cant even throw it away. I wish I could forget everything. I wish I have those amnesia. I wish I forgot who I am and my past.
n yes, meeting her make me broken more. I hate her more since the time she meet me just to make sure Im buying her products. The time she meet me just to make her own good. I hate her more.