This is not a typical of me to write. However, i need to let it out since im getting anxious again. I have a phychiatry clinic appointent esok & i dont know if i should go.
I was (better now, sikit i guess) such at a bad place mentally, i constantly thinking to self harm like cutting my flabby arm and stomach but i dont want to be hurt i just want to feel okay, i just want to be okay – mind you im fat. Im a girl & im so fat and i hate myself but i love myself also it’s complicated haha.
Honestly, i dont wheres my post going cs up here in my mind there are a lot going. I find it’s hard to organise my thoughts & it manifested on my life pretty badly. When i say bad, it’s not crying myself to sleep feeling worthless every single day balling up in the dark like im invinsible or something it is much much more worse than that since it’s ruining my master degree. I lost interest in pretty much everything…..
It’s funny story actually, i went to klinik kesihatan a month and half ago bcs i think tht i needed help. I thought i could be fix immediately little did i know, ujian dan penantian, my journey to get help is very long. The general doctors werent helpful at all but she set me up for an appointment anyways. I could still feel her right now. Her tone, the look she gave me. I was literally shaking & i could hear my own heartbeat at tht moment. My voice cracked, at the verge of second melt down which i f**ing did had while waiting bfr going into the doctors’. No one cares. She wrote something in the referal letter, of course a curious ass like mine would want to see whatis in it. Sumpah she had the nerve to wrote I have normal heartbeat at the moment, she didnt even check. Wow such details kan.
Anyways, out frm the office, I knew i have to find an alternative. I swear to God i dont want to be in tht position anymore. Intimidating & it made me feel much worse than im already felt. Little side note, i drove alone. I went there, alone. Yes, i couldnt turn to anyone until this moment. I have to do it pretty much, alone. It’s lonely & it gets pretty dark too early too.
I contacted a old friend of mine (a kakak, an ex-counselling student now counselor, think) who i was a client of her during our degree & set for a short meet up.
It went good, i guess. Hmmm…I see things frm broader perspective now, i mean much more positive than before. But some things just stay the same. Im out of focus, really out of focus. & she did the DASS 21 test on me, & i was/am at Severe depression on the scale. I dont know if these things im having is good enough reason to go to psy clinic or counselling or im just lazy i dont know okay im afraid whats gonna happen tomorrow what if the doctor think im faking this i really dont know. I dont even know if it is valid i just hope everything goes well tmrw i just want to feel better about myself. Please.