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Confession

Me and 2018

I never imagine I can be better, my burdens seems be lighter. I almost in tears when I told my therapist. My condition improved significantly. My mind became more peaceful and I able to think clearly. There’s no more fog in my head. Now I able to see colours around me, no more black and white.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression on Aug 2017 by psychiatrist. But, I meet the therapist by my own earlier than that. The reason was, my condition getting worse. I suffered with insomnia, loss weight and suicidal ideation. Sadly, nobody around me notice because I can do my job as usual.  

Being on the antidepressant pills is not easy. Plus, the early of psychotherapy look like a disaster. I almost want to end my life. I was so lucky, during my crisis, God send me an angel, he is a psychiatrist. He helping me, he give me emotional support and encouragement.

I reluctant to take any antidepressants pills anymore, I requested for therapy only. But the doctor still give me a sleeping pills, in case I can’t fall into sleep. They also send me to their therapist at MENTARI. Unfortunately, after about 3-4 sessions I found the therapist not suite with me. After discuss with doctor, I stop do therapy. The reasons are; I have my own therapist and the main reason is, I don’t like that therapist. She’s judgmental and give too many ‘advices’.

I learned so many things from therapy. I never thought the therapy is important way to understand ourselves. The lesson I get from therapy is priceless. Therapy made me open my eyes, now looking back doesn’t give me too much hurt. Therapy teach me how to acknowledge all my feelings, both; positive and negative. Therapy teach me how to be kind with myself too.

Bear in mind, therapy is a hard job. My first expectation is too high. I want everything will be okay. I thought, after few sessions my problem can go away. But it’s not true. I struggling with my past issues. I not raised up as a normal kid. I’m being neglected by my own parents. My father passed away. I was abused emotionally and physically. It was about a year we talking about my past issues. I loss a few people whose important in my life. And  in adulthood, I caught in workplace conflicts. 

I was so lucky, my therapist never leave me alone. Even the day I don’t want to talk anything, she keep patience with me. Somehow, I felt I give burden to her. I shouldn’t act like that. I still remember, that night I can’t sleep due to overstress because of work issues. After I scroll my FB suddenly her FB page appear in my timeline.  Without thinking too much, I texting her and without one hour she replied. She urge me to seek help from hospital. That how we meet each other. I trust my gut that she capable to help me throughout this journey.

2018, changed me. Despite ups and downs, I still alive. Everyday will be a new day for me. I’m happy what I am now. This is such a long journey I’m going through. 

2019 nothing much I want. I just want peace in my mind. I want my health become better. I want to give back to society. May God ease everything. 

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